


You Don't See Me At All

by GoodGollyMissYollie (Yollie183)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inspired by Music, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-03-21
Packaged: 2018-03-18 23:41:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3588306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yollie183/pseuds/GoodGollyMissYollie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan idolizes YouTuber AmazingPhil. How far is he willing to go to be noticed, to be seen?</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Don't See Me At All

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration and title from 3 Libras by A Perfect Circle.
> 
> This is not a songfic, but I'll put the lyrics in the end notes, because they were the inpsiration and backbone of this fic.
> 
> I'm not sure when exactly Phil graduated from uni, but it was the perfect setting, so I took some liberties with the timeline.

Dan sat on his bed, the covers pulled up to his chin, the fingers of one hand stroking lightly across his laptop’s track pad. He clicked on the YouTube icon, then on the link to AmazingPhil’s channel. There was a new video, uploaded only minutes ago. He watched it, a small smile playing across his lips as he watched Phil talk and gesture with his hands. Those blue eyes have captivated him for months now. When the video was done, he typed a comment:

_I love this! You truly are amazing!_

He sat for a while, refreshing the page to read the replies Phil left on some of the comments. There was no reply for his. He opened a new tab and logged onto Twitter. He composed a tweet, carefully selecting each word.

_@AmazingPhil I loved your new video! The fact of your existence makes me so happy_

He tweeted it quickly, before he could change his mind.

Then he put the laptop on the ground and lay down, punching his pillow into a more comfortable shape. He lay awake for a long time, waiting for his phone to ‘ping’ with a new notification, but it never did.

 

School passed by him, the same way he passed through it’s halls: as though he wasn’t really there. He never felt more invisible than at school. At least it was almost over. Just a few more weeks and he’d never have to come back. Those people who knew his name made cursory small-talk at lunchtime, but they knew by now not to expect too much interaction from Dan.

 

When he could finally go home, he went straight up to his room, opening his laptop and checking all his social media accounts. No new notifications. He rewatched the AmazingPhil video from last night. It was a long evening. He tried to distract himself by watching a movie. Finally it had gotten late enough for his body to crave sleep. He slept.

The next day was a Saturday. He tweeted:

_@AmazingPhil enjoy your weekend!_

 

Dan spent most of his weekend rewatching old AmazingPhil videos.

He got lost in blue eyes, longed to run his fingers through black hair, trace the shape of pink lips with his tongue, feel pale skin beneath his hands. He wondered what Phil’s voice sounded like in the mornings, how he liked his coffee, how he felt about talking during movies, how he would react when he lost at a videogame.

Dan left a few more comments on older videos, tweeted a few more nice things.

Once or twice his mother asked him if he had plans.

He said no.

A week later, an idea cropped up in Dan’s mind. He tried to push it aside, realized how stupid it would be, but it slowly worked itself into every waking thought he had, until it was all he could think about.

So the next Friday evening, he packed a change of clothes and a toothbrush in a backpack and told his parents he was going to a friend’s house.

Instead he got on a train to York.

All the way there he struggled to silence the nagging voice in his head that told him how stupid he was. All he knew was that Phil went to the University of York. He didn’t know where he lived or even if he had gone home for the weekend. All he knew is that he wanted Phil to notice him. A casual ‘bump into someone’ would be okay, wouldn’t it?

It was very dark when Dan got off the train. The night felt heavy, as though a blanket were pulled over the sky. Dan looked up at the stars. They seemed to sparkle, like candle flames high up above him.

He had done some research and had a rough idea of where to go. The most likely place to run into Phil would be one of the bars scattered in the vicinity of the university.

At the second bar Dan entered, he saw a familiar mane of black hair. A bright, hot glow seemed to envelop him. The universe must surely be smiling on him tonight, he thought as he slowly, hesitantly approached Phil. As Dan drew near, Phil suddenly turned, his blue eyes finding a spot somewhere over Dan’s shoulder and his face broke open in a brilliant smile.

Dan stopped dead in his tracks and watched the scene play out. Phil was smiling at a girl. A very pretty girl with blonde hair and a Squirtle t-shirt. She stepped into Phil’s arms, tilting her head up to accept his kiss.

Everything bright and happy within Dan seemed to wither and die. He couldn’t avert his gaze. There was a tenderness in Phil’s eyes as he looked down at the girl.

For a fleeting second, Dan imagined Phil looking at _him_ like that and his heart broke. He could feel it, inside his chest, constricted and fluttering like a drowning creature desperate for breath. Dan stumbled out of the bar, into the fresh air. He looked up at the stars, but they had disappeared.

In a daze, one hand pressed to his chest to make sure his heart was still beating, Dan walked away. He left the bar behind, left his rational mind behind. The streets were unfamiliar, dark and brooding as he swayed through them.

“Hey there!”

The voice tore through Dan’s consciousness like a serrated blade.

He looked up from his feet, searching for the person who had spoken.

It was a young man. Mid-twenties, Dan guessed. He had dark hair, cut fashionably short. Blue eyes that seemed flat, like the sky on a hot day.

“Are you lost?” he asked.

Dan saw something in the man’s gaze that unsettled him, but he nodded anyway. The man had blue eyes. He was the same height as Dan, but broader in the shoulder. The edge of a tattoo was just visible at the neckline of his shirt.

“What’s your name? I’m Eric.”

“Dan,” Dan murmured, shaking Eric’s proffered hand.

“Are you a student here?” Eric asked, almost as if he already knew the answer.

“No,” Dan supplied. It never occurred to him to lie. “I came to visit a... a f-friend.”

“Didn’t it go well?” Eric’s voice was soft, the arm he draped across Dan’s shoulders was warm.

“No. No, it didn’t.” Dan looked at Eric, his feet moving as Eric steered him around another corner.

Dan knew what was happening. Knew it with a cold certainty that made his broken heart struggle behind it’s cage of bone and skin.

But he walked with Eric, answering his gentle questions until the stood in front of a door, one of many in a gloomy hallway.

Eric opened it, showing Dan into a small flat. He saw a sofa and a couple of chairs arranged around a large TV, a small kitchen with only the essentials. Eric opened the freezer and pulled out a bottle of vodka. Dan accepted the bottle, taking a swig as he followed Eric down a short hall, past a bathroom and into a bedroom. There was a brown and black duvet on the double bed, a few articles of clothing in a pile in one corner. He allowed Eric to pull him down onto the bed, tipping more vodka into his mouth. Eric smiled, replacing the cold bottle with his lips. Dan didn’t want this. But what – who – he wanted, didn’t want him back. So he closed his eyes and returned the kiss.

Dan thought of Phil. With each kiss, he though of Phil’s lopsided smirk. With each touch, he imagined Phil’s pale, slender fingers.

It was over quickly and Dan got dressed, leaving Eric’s apartment with no idea where he was or how to get back to somewhere familiar.

He walked around until the sky started to lighten in the east. Finally he found himself back at the train station. He stood on the platform, waiting for a train. Waiting for the perfect moment, when no one could stop it, nothing prevent it.

He waited, then jumped.

 

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**ALTERNATE ENDING:**

 

He walked around until the sky started to lighten in the east. Finally he stopped in a narrow, shadowy alley. He pressed his back to the raw bricks and let go of the sob he’d been holding in for so very long. He let the tears fall, sinking to the ground and letting his forehead rest against his knees.

He chided himself for being so stupid. For going with Eric, for entering that bar, for boarding that train. He was so wrapped in his own misery that he didn’t notice the other person in the alley until they placed a hand on his shoulder. Dan let out a yelp, jerking backwards.

“I’m sorry!” the person said. “I just saw you and thought you needed help.”

The sun peeked out over the horizon, flooding the alley with light and Dan recognized the person standing over him. For a moment he just stared, then he got to his feet.

“Yeah, thanks, it’s just been a long night.” As he spoke, his mind screamed _IT’S PHIL, IT’S HIM, IT’S PHIL._ He tried to step past Phil, while hiding his tear-stained face.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

Dan looked at Phil. His blue eyes were a bit bloodshot, his face set in lines that echoed the way Dan felt inside.

“Are you?” Dan asked. He wanted to kick himself, but stayed quiet, wondering if Phil would answer.

“Not really. My girlfriend and I broke up.”

“I’m sorry,” Dan said quietly.

Phil shrugged, his eyes travelling across Dan’s face.

“Hey, what do you say we get some coffee, tell each other our sad tales?”

Dan smiled. “I’d like that.”

**Author's Note:**

> 3 Libras - A Perfect Circle ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9MAg9E5K3w )  
> Lyrics:
> 
> Threw you the obvious and you flew with it on your back,  
> A name in your recollection, down among a million same.  
> Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed, and passed over  
> When I've looked right through, see you naked but oblivious. 
> 
> And you don't see me.
> 
> But I threw you the obvious, just to see if there's more behind the  
> Eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy.  
> Here I am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded  
> But I see, see through it all, see through, see you.
> 
> 'Cause I threw you the obvious, to see what occurs behind the  
> Eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy, oh well. 
> 
> Oh well, apparently nothing.  
> Apparently nothing, at all.
> 
> You don't, you don't, you don't, see me.  
> You don't, you don't, you don't, see me.  
> You don't, you don't, you don't, see me.  
> You don't see me.  
> You don't, you don't, you don't see me at all.


End file.
